if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i will never coherently bang her
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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