when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
