I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
