There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
