I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She made me pour olive oil on her.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
