when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize