Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
