i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
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