the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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