I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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