Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
