Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
