That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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