During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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