the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He? As in you personified your dick?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
