I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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