woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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