I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
