Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i now understand why vodka
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
