ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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