I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The power of my boobs compel you
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
