Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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