I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
