thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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