No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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