Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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