Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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