You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
