I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
