Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
