So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
