I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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