we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
