The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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