so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
