the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
