Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
