im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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