Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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