i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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