Don't make out with my wife yet
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
