She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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