I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
