I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
