the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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