I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
