I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
