She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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