make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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