i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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