nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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