So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
