Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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