Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
