the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
